One of those nights where you can’t seem to fall asleep so you think about all the relationships you’ve watched fail and the last time you ate something simple that made you wish you were 7 again. You think about the last person you slept with and how they took a part of you with them. You masturbate to the thought of the last boy that smiled at you and you finally find yourself getting drowsy.
As an ambitious child who couldn’t wait to grow up, I always imagined myself being quite stable by now. I had seen all the things that people had done wrong and decided I’d learn from them.
“I will never drink too much. I won’t smoke too often. No drugs. I won’t ever cheat. Never believe in religion.”
Well, I kept to one of those.
I made all the mistakes I thought I never would and then some. I lost every little bit of ambition, I don’t have goals and I thrive on misery but I think I’m doing okay. I feel like an adult. Every now and then I think about how people are always telling me that drinking excessively, smoking and being apathetic does not make you an adult. But what does? Because all the adults I know now and ever knew, did things – maybe not the exact same things but nevertheless, still things that destroyed them in one way or another. I am all the people I have ever known. I am a dysfunctional adult but so are the rest of you because there is no other kind and while I realise that I am a mess, I will not change a thing. Well, maybe a few tiny things. I might just replace my greasy mac & cheese with fusilli cooked in cauliflower sauce sprinkled with cashew cheese.